Mom guilt, that feeling that we are failing at one of the most important jobs we’ll ever have, is so prevalent in today’s society. It is almost expected that we should feel guilty about everything from the type of birth we have, to whether we breast or bottle feed, and when or if we return to work.
Oftentimes, it starts during our pregnancy. We find out we are pregnant, and suddenly we review everything we ate and drank in the last month. Did we have a glass of wine (or several)?? I definitely had all of those, and in addition, I remember feeling very guilty about things I had done growing up. Was I now going to be “punished” for all of my transgressions? Early on in my pregnancy, my mom and I were going to Toys R Us and as we were sitting in the parking lot, I apologized to her for everything I had ever done. I asked her if it was too late and she said yes. Now we were probably both a little serious and a little joking, but I know parents sometimes hope their kids get to experience what they did while they were raising them, especially if they were a bit challenging.
My kids are grown and so the challenges and causes of guilt are different than when they were newborns, but my daughter has a one-month old baby boy and seeing what she is going through brings a lot of it back. Some things are so similar and some are so different. First of all, I did not have the internet, so I did not have access to the amount of information that women do today. So often, the internet is seen as a negative thing, but the access to information can be very helpful if you need answers and it’s the middle of the night.
We see a certain level of “toxic positivity”, a relatively new definition for a standard we have been held to for years.
Social media can be a good and bad thing. It can be a great comfort to plug in with other women and get advice and support. Yet it can also make us feel a certain amount of guilt and shame if we are not living up to the standards we see. We see a certain level of “toxic positivity”, a relatively new definition for a standard we have been held to for years. That is, only show the good. Squash any negative emotions and feelings and “never let them see you sweat”. We gaslight ourselves into feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. No wonder postpartum depression has doubled in the last ten years.
So what do we do with all of this? First of all, know that it is normal to feel this way. Secondly, we must set some boundaries as to what we expose ourselves to. Ultimately, we are in control of the information we consume. I believe more and more moms are showing up authentically and that is helpful. Lastly, stay away from the comparison game. We know that so much of what we see is carefully curated, and yet we still hold ourselves to impossible standards. In time, hopefully, these cultural standards will shift to something that is much more reasonable.